Sammy!!

I checked my watch again as i zoomed my faithful Maruti800 in the parking lot of Dr. Ambedkar Bhawan only to meet a formidable army of mercs, fords and other higher varieties of automobiles which i had forgotten existed any longer, since i saw them in the trump playing cards at skool.

The occassion?
A play by Lillette Dubey being staged, play called "Sammy!!"

The time was 7:20 , and i heaved a sigh of relief to be on time, as the people looked at me and wondered to see what a Maruti800 was all about, perhaps it was some sort of a homemade car with grandmother's recipes. Anyways, i managed to put on some basic attitude and ran up the stairs (the lifts were jam packed with girls, women and ladies..in that order..of all shapes and sizes, and even if i had shameless tried to jam in, the noxious fumes of exotic perfumes would have killed me sooner than later)..so i decided to hit the stairs.

My decision helped me survive for some time, till i hit the first floor and saw the celeb world open in front of me, there were people and then there were people. i dint know any. Once, i thought i recognized a lady, but all of them looked so similar, i stopped wracking my memory cells and stood in a corner to observe the commotion. there was a lot of talk... about the play? i doubt....there were guys, hmmm....divided roughly into three brackets..the normal , the abnormal , and the supernormal...unfortunately, the first grid hardly had any one except me ( i reserve the right to slot myself, as the writer of the blog), the abnormal..hmm....there were school children....guys who had just entered 11th standard (measured by their moustaches and dressing sense - shirts with jeans and a black belt), guys who had just joined a college, ..wearing new nike shoes with some t-shirt with funky messages, gelled hair, and yellow teeth) ...but the majority of gentry was stacked in the category of the supernormal; a brief description:

• men between 35-72
• sexually frustrated, married to nagging wives and fathering ill-mannered kids
• having IQs below 41, rich, wealthy and powerful
• drinking and bathing with expensive perfumes (shucks....i could puke)
• having all possible credit cards with obnoxious credit limits in leather wallets
• white shoes (hehe..), with brown trousers and red shirts with the top button open allowing their chest hair to show beyond the limits of physical primitivity
• flirting with any and every other women (from kaam wali bai to blonde babes)

Surprisingly, though the fairer sex was present in much more motley shades and oozing fashions, there descriptions would not be spread again the categories. The observations were so starkingly uniform , they would send any market research analyst into terrifying tailspin. The co-relations were amazingly similar. As usual, the description:

• Most having strands of white hair,or dyed hair, coloured hair, discoloured hair, horse hair and the like.....
• Thick layers of lipstick ( no wonder i lost a bet with my friend, when i thought that the market for lipsticks in india was limited)
• Talking about something, God knows what , laughing at their own jokes, and slighly brushing their arms and shoulders with the guys/men of the third category as if signalling the cracking of a joke.
• Revealing cleavages (for those in sarees), short skirts (for those in skirts)..overall : "helpless attire"
• I had stopped looking at them

It was 7:47 by my watch and the play hadnt started as yet. I sat down. Many women sat down. They hadnt thought of it before. I grinned only to see a 73 yr old woman staring at me (how 73?..i bet she was greater than 70 ans less than 75). I stared back as i had nothin to do, and she lost interest.....borrrrring!!!...

The gates opened...and she got up and blocked the gate, taking a few turtle steps and landed in her place...i checked my ticket and sat at an arbit aisle seat i could find...far from the madding crowd...

...the play commenced @ 8pm sharp...we were as usual requested to switch our bloody mobiles..we obliged....except the gentleman at the leftmost corner who was having a teleconferencing on how the indian economy would benefit if reliance was to go global, and how good he was at chess with the white set!...finally, after a few stares and louder-than-usual groans he had to silence the talk which could have added a few billions to india's GDP.

The play was on Mahatma Gandhi, and ofcourse the conventional freedom struggle (which i came to realize at the end of the play) ...The cast as was being announced had some dude playing as MK Gandhi, and another gentleman playing the role of Mahatma ...i guessed the existence of anter-atma was there in the play..and i was right...

The actors were good!

The gentlemen playing the britishers were really wonderful. Infact they could have give the real british blood a run for their money. But there was a bit of problem.

The guy playing "the mahatma" looked like .... L K Advani...ya ..serious!!...no kidding...and he giving tips on dharma and karma to Gandhiji couldnt fit my historical and political schema...it was so funny!...and i think he had a stiff body and a stiffer back...i guess i gave a slighly louder laugh on thinking about the same without realizing...a few heads turned and i realized that the topic of jalianwala bagh was going on...which was no laughing matter...another few moments of historical repetitions were repeated...and we had reached an argument between Jawaharlal Nehru and MA Jinnah....man, Jinaah was huge and for a moment i thought Gandhiji should not intervene between him and Nehru, as our Jinnah was physically quite capable of smashing both their heads together...

...sorry for sounding so violent and insulting....but its so difficult to control what your mind thinks and what your eyes see!...well...another question, why was Mr.Nehru having an accent which would put Julius Ceaser to shame....at times i thought he was addressing me (as i was sitting on the second last row)...and perhaps his only defence againt the 6'2" Jinnah....well, that was that...

...all this while there was some sort of distraction from the last row..a couple of middle aged women sitting behind me....after every word of gyan advani...i mean...mahatma would say...they would start clapping..and say," He was a great man!"...i was impressed by their devotion...

.....it was 9:00 and i had heard that mahatma was a great man almost 8 times now...i was getting restless...not that i was feeling jealous that i wasnt great enuf...but then every five minutes my ears would start anticipating the words, and would get irritated if they were not spoken...

Intermission! ...sigh of relief!...women got up....took out hair brushes from their respective bags, a couple who passed by my seat were talking about how spotted red bikinis were a rage in Goa this new year...i wasnt impressed ...expecially when just five minutes back Gandhiji was assiduously spinning the charka and advocating something on swadeshi, etc....

I moved out to get some fresh air..but there was none....the chainsmoking ladies were smoking circles out of their facial chimmneys...i hit the loo, to find some solitude...and returned back to my seat...the play started...act two...the announcer said something...but before she could say anything the ladies interrupted her, " He was truly a great man!"...and I almost pulled my hair. ...I was lying there helpless for till the hour of india's and my independence....

...and i could see some people moving out already...where they were going ...i couldnt care..perhaps another one of those rich social gatherings where they could drink booze, smoke cigs, talk about taboos, get laid in loos and go home feeling satisfied with the days socializing!!..

...as the show came to end, and the actors gave a customary bow...lilette quickly appeared on the stage....to stop the exodus, claim her love for bangalore city and the audience, how she loved to perform ,etcetra...i could still hear her speak as i rushed to the door..and fresh air rushed towards me....God, what pretence!!!

A friend asked me how the play was. I couldnt describe it. I thought for a while and said,"I feel free".

Branded...or...stranded?

The last one year has seen the rise of an amazing bunch of small FMCG players who were, till now satisfied with subsistence.

Companies like Dabur have been curing spoiled stomachs for ages poppin Hajmolas, Marico advocating some slimy oil to the regular housewifey junta and teen babes and ending nowhere but losing market share. But what has been happenin in the last couple of years. There is a wave of self-confidence amongst these brands which talk of nuthin but below the line branding, not scared to dent the massive manowars like HLL.

They seem to be following one simple thing which needs, perhaps a basic knowledge of business.
"Selling what the customer wants". If i say these words in a forum audienced by my own friends, i wont be surprised if i hear yawns and groans. Perhaps, some rebel might just stand up and say" Dude, give me something real, no gas please". And i wont oppose him. Cause he is not wrong, but lets see how I believe i see the scenario.

Ever heard of a company call Paras? The one that makes milk. Ok. Give me any one brand you know of from the house of Paras ? Think...

Lets check our brand recall. Of the following brands how many do u think u know or have used:

1. Krack Cream
2. Set wet
3. Moov
4. Recova

And what do they signify.
Which cream was present for cracks in ur feet before Krack Cream "arrived" ?
There are lots of hair gels present in the market. What accounts for Set wet to be the fastest growing hair gel in the country?
Moov has replaced Iodex as the preferred brand for back aches?

What Im trying to say (or rather ask) is that the focus of the company has been so sharp and transparent, that in some big FMCG, while i may sit and use some hazaar market research fundas to justify some gap in the customer profile, after spending millions , I would just conclude that the market served is too low to support a brand (or in jargonized language, no justification for RETURN ON MARKETING) . But then how come these companies who started out as ants trying to reach the elephant's ear are now, at the least, breathing down their necks!!

Its just a simple phenomenon i would call "Selling with open eyes". No great shakes here, but if my friend wants a yellow submarine, or say, a transparent shoe or some supposedly weird thing like a pair of jeans without zippers!!...why not give it to them...but the catch , focus, focus and more focus on what the shoe of the jeans convey to the consumer...

...what did ya say? no one's gonna buy it...or perhaps im the only one whos gonna go for it..i dont know...but the greatest advantage for mankind is that brands are manmade (including God ...for we are supplied with different types of Gods as is comfy for different religions) ....and the power to twist the brand to suit the need lies entirely in the hands of the brand manager ( i would rather call him a brandsman) .. and hence God, as he doesnt play dice..has left everything to man's moulding...just that some brandsmen have gone and done what everyone was waiting someone might do....and some others have been branded out into oblivion.

Try n try till u fail....

...an unfortunate incident happened...i read the newpaper yesterday...it killed me...the marketing section of business line was carrying the beautiful pic of two beauties of indian cinema, namely, miss. kareena kapoor and miss. priyanka chopra sporting a pepsi bottle...from hemlimes to reading between the lines...pepsi is planning to launch (or rather already has) a pepsi variant which has a mocha-coffee dash...so far so good...so what??...a rational marketing student (of grades B+ and up) would start framing the Kotlerian grid of segmentation, targeting and positioning...and ask: Which bloody soft drink (or hot drink...or for that matter any drink) consuming segment is the said product targeted at? What is gonna be the helluva "purchase pattern" and "consumption pattern" (pattern bole to...wud he drink it while he is standing, running, or sitting in the loo...on more serious notes...where will he buy?...how will he buy? ..in what SKU will he buy...when (and why the hell)..will he purchase..etcetra..)..


... and me an amateur marketer would wonder if i can answer the above questions using my m-cells..or just follow a simple pattern of cut-copy-paste the b-plan i made for levi's to sell some kind of jeans to target some kind of "YOUTH"..now thats a deadly word....the word "YOUTH" becomes such a wonderful word for marketers to explain such amazingly complex problems of human psyche ..and an excuse to pile on any product to the discerning consumer...

..."we are targeting our product for the youth segment"...ok ..gud..nice...so anything and everything is for the youth, then what does the youth want...or does the youth carry and abyss to absorb whatever crap in blue packages can be transferred..without a budge...

...i beg to differ...and as a by-stander, I would ask: Are we marketers thinking enough to take care of our brand children ..or just leaving them idle to publish themseleves as juvenile delinquents??...man, what a shoddy state...ofcourse someone in Pepsi reading this blog would breathe fire..."What the hell do you know about Pepsi??"...i would simply say...that i loved the brand when it used to signify to me something..when the ad commercials used to click in all brain corners...when the point of purchase decisions were not marred by an iota of doubt...yes , i still see the potential of the brand....but does such a fresh brand need such disasterous makeovers...i choose not to comment...just a suggestion...the next time when a management summer trainee makes some recommendation after the two month holiday..please take it with a pinch of salt...or shud i say..a dash of mocha??

Your time starts now.....

writing is difficult...atleast for me...the last time i remember i wrote something was perhaps an application for leave during Diwali...and my lazy self had set so many records, that the application started just 2 hrs before the flight was to depart, and the reluctant fingers ached to type a two-liner....phew, sometimes life is so tough...i realized this when one of my friends literally forced me to start a blog of my own...and when asked what shud i type..the asnwer pat came.....whatever you wish, dude....we just want to read whatever u write....man, how can friends be so cruel...

...well...the purpose of this blog is mutli-fold.(cuz now that i have started writing somethin, lets make is unmeaningfully meaningful than meaningfully unmeanigfull..see what i mean)...the primary motive is to torture the reader in as many ways as possible...read on...


i see the world with 5 eyes...( 2 ke saath 3 free)..

.that of a child...cz i live by the fact that there is a super duper child in each one of us...who is really dying to live more n more as we grow older...and the child sees the world without bias..the truth is abashing and blunt...but that what children are all about....

..part 2...the world from the eyes of a mad man...though the word itself is totally non-oxymoronic...i feel that what the child lacks in experience....the mad man plugs it ...ofcourse there are biases...but they are not generic...they are directed and specific...hence, the reader would agree to somethings the mad man says....and disagrees to some others...but there are no generic mad men...the result is the same ....truth

the third eye....it sees the world from the eyes of an artist..the child and the mad man see and speak the truth...but the artist sees the truth from different angles...truth is like a rubic's cube...u can twist the cube at many places...it changes the perspective, but not the truth!!..

the fourth eye....it’s the eye of the marketer….this u might say is a volte-face from what has been said about truth...but is a complex whirlpool of biases and prejudices...highlighting the lies when they shine...and the truth when it pays....thats what a marketer is all about...

the final eye is that of me, myself, Punit....a guy who is easy..yet difficult...a strong thread of honesty ...a bundle of contradictions...an aspirational idiot...a rational thinker...a loving friend and a deadly enemy...the fifth eye sees what i see.... discover me as we amble on this sea of words which hold power n strength to build and destroy!!

enuf of gyan for the intro....the devil's workshoppe is all about this.... the devil doesnt lie...

" I believe in God, but I talk to the devil ."